To Ache for Something

PASSAGE FOR THE DAY:
1 Samuel 1 (click the link)


KEY VERSES:
In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”

As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.”

“Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord.”

Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.”

So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.” (1 Samuel 1:10-15, 17, 20, NIV)


REFLECTIONS:
To ache for something. We’ve all experienced an aching heart, at one time or another.  The ache to be loved, to love someone, to have a family, to have children of your own, to experience health or friendship or life free of pain. We have all experienced the yearning, that craving, the longing to have a deep desire filled in our lives.  

As many of you know, I had an ache in my heart for a child. Although I think I hid it well from most people, it was indeed a great ache.  My entire life I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mother.  I was one of those girls in high school who had no aspirations for anything occupationally.  When everyone else wanted to be a teacher, a doctor, a biologist¸ a performer, I wanted to be a wife and a mother.  When everyone else seemed to know exactly what they wanted to study when they went to college, I was trying to figure out what sorts of things I might enjoy doing until the time in which my desires would come to fruition.  Little did I know it would be almost thirteen years from my high school graduation before I’d finally be blessed with a husband, and almost two years after that with children! 

Throughout those thirteen years, I did a lot of praying.  Praying that God would be preparing my husband for the time when we would both be ready to meet each other (and boy did He ever!!).  And then, after marriage, praying for children.  Tres and I prayed often for children, to seemingly no avail.  Just ask Tres how many nights I cried myself to sleep when the news was negative (and I am not a crier!). And then, after a great fail of an attempt at in vitro fertilization, with no option of trying again, we had to refocus our attention and our thinking.  My heart was drawn to the idea of foster/adopt.  I think it was partially out of desperation of wanting to see my heart’s desire fulfilled.  How I longed to have a child in our home!  One to love on and take care of. 

Not long after we were certified to be foster parents, we had the opportunity/possibility of adopting a child who was being fostered by a family in our church. The family who was fostering him wasn’t planning to adopt him, so it seemed like a perfect fit. He wouldn’t have to change communities, he could still be around his friends and foster family, and he was the sweetest little guy.  But unfortunately it didn’t work out.  The state chose to place him with another family for adoption. The day we received the phone call informing us that we weren’t the chosen family for him was almost worse than the failed attempts at pregnancy and IVF.  I felt so hopeless, believing that God was in control, but wishing it wasn't such a painful ordeal to walk this path.

This experience was so painful (again!) that I was ready to turn the page, to move on to the next thing. A close friend actually offered to help raise the funds for us to do a private adoption, so I was ready to choose this option, to head down this path.

But then I heard God speak words of comfort to me. "Just wait." That was it.  Two little words that helped me to know that I wasn’t forgotten. "Just wait."  How long was I going to have to wait?  I had no idea, but God had spoken, and I was listening.

I believe it was only a matter of a week or two after that, that we received the phone call to take in Benjamin and Abigail.  Upon their arrival, I vowed to move forward carefully, making every effort to protect my heart. I was so hopeful that they might be ours forever, but I was terrified of having my heart broken again. But, before long, I couldn't help but fall head over heels in love with them!  (How can you not?)

I think you all know how our story ends. Just one month ago we were blessed to adopt Benjamin and Abigail into our “forever family.”  Looking back, it’s all so obvious what God’s plan was, but it was so hard to see in the moment.  (Isn’t that how it usually is?)

In this time between Easter and Pentecost, we are focusing our devotionals on prayer.  Just as Hannah prayed so fervently and passionately, so should we all.  Tres and I prayed for months and months, even years, with one thing in mind—asking (and even begging) God to give us child of our own.  Our prayers were very focused and specific, and so many of our hopes were pinned on this one thing.  And God answered our prayers!  Certainly not in the way we expected.  It was a pain-filled road, and things certainly turned out so differently than we ever imagined. But, you know what?  It’s absolutely perfect.  God has blessed us with two children that could have been born to us.  They are an absolutely perfect fit for our family. And not only that, but so many people have told us that the kids even look just like us!  And, just as Hannah dedicated Samuel to God, only two days after the kids' adoption was final, we dedicated Benjamin and Abigail to God in church in front our of family and friends.  What a joyous day that was!  God gave us these two precious gifts, and we give them right back to Him.  Because without Him, they wouldn’t even be ours! 

So during this time before Pentecost, where are your prayers going to be focused?  Where is your ache? Make time to cry out to God, expressing the desires of your heart. Although it may not seem like it in the midst of heartache and pain, let us never forget that our God is a good and generous Father who delights to give his beloved children the longings of our heart.


WHO AM I?
My name is Kate Sansom, and I absolutely LOVE being a mother.  It is everything I ever hoped for and so much more.  Sure, not every day is perfect. But every day is so filled with love and joy and fun, and I cannot imagine my life any other way.  But I think aside from my own joy in being a mother, my favorite thing is watching my sweet husband be a father.  He’s so phenomenal at it.  He was born for this, too.