Self-Sacrificial Marriage

PASSAGE FOR THE DAY:
Ephesians 5 (click the link)


REFLECTIONS:
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the words “Ephesians 5!” followed by “Submit Woman!!!” come out of Tres’ mouth, I’d be a very rich woman.  Those two phrases are a dead giveaway to the fact that he’s losing an argument (and just so he doesn’t get in trouble with anyone reading this, he always says those words with a great big smile on his face, because those words mean he knows he’s been whipped). When I saw that my husband assigned me Ephesians 5, I laughed out loud.  I told him just before I started to write this that he is a very brave man.  Either he’s very confident in what I’m going to say or completely crazy, right?  Perhaps both…

When it comes to marriage I think it is safe to say that this is one of the most quoted scriptures.  Well, at least one particular verse is.  In verse 22 Paul states that wives must “submit to your husband as to the Lord.”  This one verse has been used over and over and over to remind women (and men too) that the husband is the “boss.” Indicating that her husband’s opinion weighs more heavily than hers. That if a dispute arises then she must fall back on his authority and decisions.  After all, he’s the head of house right?  In verses 23-24 Paul goes on to say that the husband is the head of his wife as “Christ is head of the church” and just as the “church submits to Christ, so a wife should submit to her husband in everything.”

If you take these 3 verses alone it can very easily be made to sound like a wife has no say in anything.  That she is essentially a slave to her husband and his wishes.  Heavy stuff. 

But then we read on.  Paul goes on to address the husbands.  He uses the next 6 verses to explain that this all means that men must love their wives as Christ loved the church.  (And what did Christ do for the church?  He DIED!  And he didn’t just die, he SUFFERED and then DIED!  He put EVERYONE else’s lives, emotions, bodies and spiritual well being before his own). Paul says that a husband should give up his life for his wife in order to make her clean and pure.  To present her without any wrinkle or blemish.  He should make her holy without any faults.  To love her as he loves his own body, to take care of her as he would his own body.  

So wait, what Paul is actually saying is that the husband isn’t the boss after all…  But neither is the wife.  Both are putting the other first.  In a perfect world a man is flawlessly protecting and caring for his wife and a wife is submitting to the authority of her husband, which simply means trusting his ability to make decisions for the family.  Does this mean she doesn’t get a say or get to make decisions too? Of course not, but it means that since she knows he’s putting her emotions and well being first in his decision making then she doesn’t have to second guess what he says.  He has her in mind first.

Ok, so that’s in a perfect world.  In the real world many women don’t feel protected and cherished.  Many men don’t feel respected.  And this creates a great big mess in marriages, and brings some folks back to point out verses 22-24 once again.  “Well if she’d just do what I say…”  Which leads to “If he would just make good decisions,” etc, etc. 

In a world where women are more masculine than ever and men are more feminine than ever it’s no wonder there’s so much confusion over what Paul is saying here, even 2000 years after he wrote it.

Men and women have two very different but equally important roles in marriage.  The man is to be the leader.  But he has to be the leader as Christ was the leader. I think the big word here is SACRIFICE.  He can’t be a bully or be arrogant.  As soon as he becomes either everything falls apart.  The woman is to respect and trust her husband.  But again, if he’s being a bully or arrogant she isn’t going to do either. 

So what might it look like for a man to sacrificially give of himself?  Well, let me use my husband as an example. First, a little glimpse into our life at home:

Since Tres has a spinal injury and is limited in his physical ability it means that I do most everything around the house that requires a physical action. Cooking, cleaning (well, this one is negotiable), laundry, being Tres’ primary caregiver (which consists of all of his personal care, food prep and many other little tasks). And now that we have two little foster kids ages 3 and 5 months just about everything they need is all dependent on me.  Our day begins around 4:30am and ends around 9pm every single day of the week. We don’t sleep in on Saturdays.  

Needless to say, I am a busy woman.  Since the arrival of the children there have been many (many, many) days where I don’t sit down all day except maybe to eat (maybe).  Even before the kids came it seemed to me that my down time was very limited, and now it’s non-existent.  My personal email inbox is currently at almost 600 unread messages.  My Mary Kay email inbox is currently almost at 200 unread messages. I just don’t have much time to do anything outside of taking care of everyone!

So how does Tres sacrificially live for me?  (By the way, he hates it when I tell him all the wonderful things I think about him so I love that I’m getting to do this here!)

He pushes the laundry baskets to their destinations (and while doing so, he always makes sure to say that he’s showing his love for me like Jesus loves the church—ha!).  He takes care of all of our finances, paying the bills, being the breadwinner in our family.  He takes me out to dinner and tells me to order whatever I want off the menu, regardless of the price.  He buys me gift certificates to the spa so I can go and get my coveted massage 2 or 3 times a year.  He sends me flowers.  He constantly is telling me he loves me and why he loves me.  He makes sure that I get to go home to Maine once or twice a year to see my family.  He hired a cleaning lady so it would take some of the burden off of me. He is unfailingly supportive of my dreams and desires, shares in them with me, and encourages me to pursue whatever I want.  He reads to me every night as I clean up the kitchen.  He takes the 3-year-old on “ride-rides” around the neighborhood in his lap so I can have 30 minutes of silence in the house.  Many days he takes the 3-year-old to school and picks him up, so it’s one less thing I have to worry about doing (and it allows the baby to sleep when she’s supposed to, which benefits me as well!).  He pushes the trash can down to the end of the driveway for me and then pushes it back up after it’s been emptied. His love for Jesus is so obvious to me in everything he does, whether or not he knows it, and THAT is such a comfort and place of security for me.  I NEVER question his love and commitment to me.

I know I am the most blessed woman in the world (I’m sure some of you will argue with me on that because you think you are).  But I know I am.  And my husband truly exhibits what Paul is talking about, which makes it very easy for me to do the same.  

In a world where so many marriages are struggling, ending or aren’t even beginning (i.e. people living together without getting married) I have often heard it said that there’s no such thing as a perfect marriage.  That what Paul is talking about just isn’t possible.  No one lives like that anymore.  Well, I beg to differ.  We do.  We live it out every day.  Is it perfect?  No.  Of course not, we’re human and nothing is perfect.  But in our opinion it’s pretty darn close.  And I truly do believe that we live out what Paul is talking about.  So that means it’s possible.  It takes work, it takes commitment, but it is SO worth it to live the way God intends us to!


POINT OF ACTION:
My challenge to every married couple reading this is to truly evaluate yourselves in light of Ephesians 5.  Could your spouse sit down and write out all the ways you show Ephesians 5 to them?  Maybe you should ask them, and if you’re afraid to ask them then maybe you should re-evaluate the way you’re living your life with them.  Would you dare assign your spouse to write publicly about your marriage to whoever stumbles across it?  This is an activity to do with a mirror.  It’s not about your spouse.  It’s about you.  

And if you’re single and hoping to marry, my challenge to you is DON’T SETTLE for anything less than God’s best!  And don’t expect it to come easy either, because it won’t.  But it’s absolutely worth the work, the waiting and the sacrifice to get there.  I was 30 before I married, and I was starting to wonder when and if it would ever happen.  Especially since I’d met many men who I could not imagine marrying, and until Tres didn’t meet one single one that I could.  Be proactive!  I wrote a list of qualities that were important to me.  Seriously, yes I did.  And they weren’t things like “blonde hair and blue eyes.”  Get serious about it.  Think about the character qualities that are important to you—the “non-negotiables.”  I had a list of about 10.  Yep, 10!  I was dead serious about what I wanted and felt I deserved (yes deserved) and wasn’t settling for anything less.  I prayed that list, a lot.  For years.  Maybe 4 or 5 years.   And look what I got—Tres is everything on that list and more that I didn’t even think of at the time.  God is faithful!  So don’t give up and don’t settle.  For goodness sake DON’T SETTLE!

There.  Rant over.


PRAYER:
Jesus, thank you so much for being the perfect example of self-sacrificial love. As a married couple, strengthen us to follow your example. In a spirit of reverence for Christ, help us to genuinely delight to serve one another. Strengthen us to love one another extravagantly. We know that you desire for us to go all out in our love for one another. Help us to give everything of ourselves so that our marriage might be a light to the world and might showcase your glory and grace.


WHO AM I?
I am Kate Sansom and I can honestly say that Tres and I have never had a fight.  We’ve had a few instances of irritation or disagreement, but it has been extremely rare.  We feel incredibly blessed to have been gifted with one another, and that’s truly how we view each other: gifts from God, because something this harmonious couldn’t come from anywhere else.  We pray that our marriage truly will be an encouragement to anyone and everyone around us and hope that as the years go by we can touch many people, which is and will only be possible because of Jesus Christ.